ok, so i'm taking gender studies as a class...problems in gender studies..n indeed, it is problemetic. complex issues that I;m not sure exist or made to exist. so anyhow, Red wants us to do a final project now that the quarter is coming to an end...to take on a gender role other than our own. now u might think..what? so if i identify as female, do i switch to be a male? not so simple....there are many many many gender roles....n biological sex assigning a gender role is only one of them...so there's leatherdyke daddies and boys, butch, femme, fairies, punks, trans, sluts, bulldaggers, macho, manly men, dykes with dicks, men with pussies...the list goes on and on...and i got very confused. who am i? i don;t identify with anyone of them and so there is nothing to swtich to...i;ve been playing n performing gender my whole life. when i was young, i was a tomboy. but i remember, my sisters and I had a "All girls Day" every fortnight on Sundays, when we would all dress up as girly girls n put on performances for each other...even then, i refused to wear skirts even though i put on more feminine clothes..
then we grew out of that...i went to church...n in church, we were told that girls have to dress like, well, girls. so i wore skirts on sundays. dresses to weddings. tried to be feminine at times...
but i did not stop playing with gender..swtiching roles..when i was 15 or 16, i cut my hair really short n dyed it...it was more of a sign of rebellion rather than an act to 'look butch'. i never wanted to look butch. that was disgusting to me. but i did nonetheless...perhaps i was influenced by jane. so anyhow, i wore baggy jeans...spiked up my hair...big shirts...and for fun, one day me and jane stuck multicolored socks out of our zippers...just to get a reaction from friends and classmates...i think we wanted attention...
i went to the toilets n was stared at..some told me i was in the wrong toilet...this offended me greatly bc i felt insulted to be looked at as a guy...to be identified as one...the countless 'how may i help u SIR' s numbed me after a while....
then that phase passed...
i don;t know what i became..sometimes i was gender neutral...sometimes i acted feminine, and sometimes i acted masculine...it all depended on the occasion...
and last quarter..i decided to be more feminine...so i wore feminine clothes...walked more femininely...and all that shit. it felt good..but it was all an act...
and that phase passed again...
this quarter, it's back to gender neutral...some days, i wear feminine clothes..other days, it's just t shirts n pants..which r gender neutral...
so when Red told us to take on another identity, i felt confused...what cld i be? i asked my roomates..they said..be more feminine...but that;s boring...that's not really a gender role for me...i've played that...so i asked Red..i was so surprised at what he said. he said "butch it up". made me wanna laugh. and nic said i shd n that i'll look cute. ok, so butch. an identity role that always made me cringe....i'll take on the challenge...i'll be butch for 4 days...maybe it'll reshape my prejudice against butches...
Currently feeling: thoughtful
